obajeun.ja@gmail.com

Verily Verily I Say Unto You, Abat – @Obajeun

(Oku, Pat and Joe suddenly burst into rancorous laughter as Abat saunters into the front seat on the presidential aircraft en-route to Ethiopia for Zenawi’s burial. Pat finds comfortable seat beside Joe, she fills an empty cup with an unlabelled drink and gulp it. She fills another cup and hand it over to Joe. Oku stares at Joe and wink. Then Joe makes justice to another cup)

You see Abat has passed the first test. I don’t know where Abat put this side of his brain before. If not because I threatened you, you would not have taken such bold step. Not that you did well anyway, but I am a simple president who understands that not all PhDs are equal. Some are rsensible than others. Verily verily I say unto you Abat, your PhD is a ‘struggling one’ while mine is benchmark.

(Abat flares up. He jerks up from his seat wearing a somber mourning face)

Sir, I am tempted to respond but for the cup you are holding. I understand how it feels to be under the spell of that drink.

(Joe and Oku echo their laughter at Abat’s jives. Pat puts on a long face)

Oku, answer your friend.

Abat you got it wrong. I doubt if you really understand yourself. In your article you wrote that the president doesn’t drink. How come you are attributing his sensible appraisal of your work to the holy cup in his hand?

Even in the said article, he didn’t mention anything about the 200 cars for African First Ladies. To me, the article is a totally failure. Going forward, before Abat goes to publish any article concerning the Villa, I must edit and proof-reading it.

Abat, with the power vested in me; verily verily I say unto you, you must submit your articles for vetting to the office of the First Lady.

Abat, why did you lie against me in your article? You wrote that I am on Facebook, Twitter, email, SMS, BB, and I read and write. I am not on Twitter and I also don’t write. Why did you choose to say what is not? I am trying to save you by giving you assignments to do but you are not getting it. I don’t know why you chose to be my ‘attack dove’. Thanks to God for my new animal pet, my ‘attack lion’. Oku, you need to feel good, you are an animal pet to a president.

My pleasure sir. I have always said it; soft voice doesn’t work in Nigeria. And if your voice is naturally soft, crack it up with the kind of drink in front of Mr President. Abat still needs to be taught how to be rude to critics. Otherwise, he will soon be consume by those idle and idling, twittering, collective children of anger, the distracted crowd of Facebook addicts, the BBM-pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria.

Stop it! You are plagiarizing my lines! Never mind, I know animals don’t have brains of their own. You can as well go ahead and pour down the whole article.

Relax guys. You need to respect our presents. We can’t watches you guys exchange banters. Abat, for you not to be fired, your articles must first pay homage to my table.

Abat, listen up! Verily verily I say unto you, except you are permitted to talk, you should keep your mouth shut all the time. Your next assignment will determine if I will keep you or not. Remember I have lined up Ken who is currently doing a great job on that google banner that I would be the best loved president. That reminds me, when you were equating me with achievers in your article, why didn’t you include Barack Obama’s name?

Sir, I tried to equate you with dead achievers because you are fond of attending burials just like the one we are on way to. You are going to be the MC. You know you are chosen because of your rich travel experience attending burials. I don’t want to raise any dust equating you with Obama, you are far above that.

Wow! Verily verily I say unto you, Abat, you are great! That reminds me, I am going to be the MC at the Zenawi’s burial in Ethiopia. Pat how far have you gone with the burial agenda I told you to prepare? Just hand it over to Abat, let him do the finishing.

But sir, it will still go back to her table for editing and proof-reading. So let her do the finishing too.

Ok. Tell me, what is the title she gave to the agenda?

She wrote: “On behalf of First Ladies, we Present The Following Burial Agenda for Our Dead Husband”.

(Joe fumes, he speaks while livid with rage)

Verily verily I say unto you Abat, you are a fool!

You mean the person who wrote that? It was Pat, your wife!

It is me, @Obajeun

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